SOME SHIT

English they say is a very confusing language. Spelling is confounding not to say the least and add on its euphemisms and figures of speech, and you get a very complex communication method riddled with regional influences. For someone who has no idea about these nuances, coming to grips with its inflections can be a daunting task. Let me exemplify using the verb “to shit”. You raise your eyebrows in mock amusement, well, bear with me and allow me to expand on my theory.

Shit on its own , lying there unobtrusive is just waste. A by-product of physiological function that is given the Latin epithet “excreta” meaning sifted out (not a second hand Hyundai SUV). By sorting shit out  and expounding further you can add quality to “shit”,  based on the adjectives you use. Here are some examples.

Good shit: used to describe an eatable or potable item which is honestly good

A good shit: used to describe smooth bowel movement

The good shit: used to describe a hallucinogenic contraband that your friend brought to a party. One usually speaks of the good shit when fully loaded with good shit.

Really good shit: used to further qualify the shit one is imbibing especially if it brings back memories of, or is as good as “The good shit”. The description can escalate up the ladder to 'awesome shit' as the evening proceeds. 

Bad shit: used to describe an eatable or potable which is genuinely bad. Perhaps food that has turned stale.

A bad shit: An unpleasant morning experience 

Really bad shit: Deep trouble. A mistake of monumental proportions 

Moving along and exploring shit grammatically we come across the continuous form, which also has various connotations based on context and usage. 

Shitting: The act of defecation 

Shitting me/ shitting you: Pulling a fast one. Telling a lie 

Shitting all over: Unrestrained fibbing. 

Now if you add a bovine reference to the continuous form you get ‘bullshitting’ which is the art of spouting nonsense at the drop of a hat. When shortened it becomes a curt retort to end bullshitting ... Bullshit!

Articles have a profound effect on the meaning of phrases with shit. ‘He is a shit’ is used to insult somebody whereas ‘He is the shit’ is an indicator of praise. If however “He has the shits” it just means he has a bad case of diarrhoea.

One of the most common indications for the use of shit is to describe trouble. He is 'in shit' or 'out of shit' as the case may be is used when he is either in or out of trouble. If he is in serious shit then it could be something really bad and he could be in for a shit storm which has nothing remotely similar to floating faecal matter. When the shit hits the fan then all hell has broken loose.

Something confusing is the ability to 'do' shit. You can 'do shit’ does not mean that you have the capacity to defecate. It means you are capable of performing the task at hand quite well. At the same time ‘You can do no shit’ means your threats have no weightage and there is a remote possibility that the person saying it might think that you are full of shit.      'I understand this shit' is a term used when comprehension dawns in the midst of solving a problem whereas the corollary 'I can't understand this shit' is used when one gives up. Note that in both instances the word 'shit' refers to the task or problem. Comparisons can also be made between the tasks by using the phrases 'this shit' versus 'that shit'.

Things get really complicated when shit is used to describe human emotions. 'To give a shit' means that you care, and 'to give shit' means to trouble somebody. 'To take shit' is to tolerate nonsense but 'to take a shit' means to defecate. 

Shit can also be used as a unit of measure especially when one wants to exaggerate. 'I had to carry a shitload of books'. This is different from 'shitting a load' which refers to an unusually large volume of faecal output. Proud parents often remark 'He shat by himself' when their son has been successfully potty trained but they get dismayed when 'He shits himself' for it means that he has soiled his pants.

To describe something metaphysical and beyond imagination is to talk serious shit. This is something that people often meander to after a few hours of imbibing good shit. Now if you have nothing to say but want to seem as if you've said a lot, add 'and shit' at the end of your sentence. Apart from sounding nice it doesn't embellish the sentence in any way nor does it detract anything from it. It is a unique phrase that does nothing to a sentence. So you could say "I work hard and shit" and it just means that you work hard.

When repeated multiple times in quick succession Shit draws attention to an immediate need or predicament that needs restitution. Shit ! Shit ! Shit! will turn heads wherever you may be especially if the second or third shit is said with greater urgency and worry. 

'Shit happens' is a phrase one hears when things are incomprehensible and can explain things that happen at random. 'Kicking the shit out' refers to a firmly planted boot on someone's backside however if you think about it from an anatomical perspective this would only 'kick the shit in'. It  also refers to beating someone to pulp resulting in that someone 'shitting himself'. Now if you lose your stuff, it means you have misplaced something but if you 'lose your shit' it means you've gone insane and when that happens everyone around you gets 'scared shitless'. So it is prudent even when faced with dire conditions to 'keep your shit together'.

If you are eating some good shit then you may be tempted to additionally qualify the taste by using words like spicy or delicious. 'This shit is hot' does not refer to the departing temperature of excrement but instead the amount of heat or chilli in a dish. You can use shit to describe things that are new or old to add emphasis... Check out his new shit, or This stuff is just old shit. A piece of shit is a terrible person or an object you dislike. However a piece of good shit refers to the exact opposite thing extolling virtue upon something mind-blowingly good.

Its funny how your shit becomes bad and my shit becomes good. For example I am tired of taking your shit/ his shit/ her shit but just leave my shit alone. Shit can also be used as an exclamation of surprise ... Holy shit! whereas unholy shit means something abhorrent. Another exclamation of incredulity is What Shit! But trying to use any of the other 'Wh' words would be grammatically wrong. So if you say 'Where Shit? Why Shit? or Who Shit? apart from sounding supremely intoxicated you could elicit the aforementioned exclamation as a response or you might even hear 'What a shit!'

Looking back at all the shit I have written I still have the daunting task ahead of proofreading my shit before publishing but I am so tired and shit that I am going ahead and  if you do find some shit, step over it and carry on reading.